Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
