I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
