So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
