My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
