I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
