they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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