So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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