I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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