wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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