I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I will be naked everywhere
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
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