i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
