the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
he just fucked me for my cheese.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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