dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i need some magic done to my vagina
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize