i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My pussy is not your playground.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
