I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
