from now on my penis is your penis
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
