I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize