My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
