I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
