hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize