Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
bring money and cleavage
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
