Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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