it was like eating out sand paper
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
