is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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