he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
