How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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