I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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