i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
