Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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