Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
