So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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