My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
