i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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