Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He has the fingertips of a God
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