I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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