And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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