i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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