He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize