The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
