i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
