What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
