Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
