how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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