we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
