I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
