pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize