Umm I'm too high to move.
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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