I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
