she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
