you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
