I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
