she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
