i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You took a bar mat shot.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
