i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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