How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
