The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
