I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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