apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
