wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
