We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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