I heard we made out
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
