overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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