So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
