You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
