Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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