Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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