Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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