that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
