I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
