You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
