Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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