farters have to be the big spoon...
i love accidental penises.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize