you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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