soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
